Me! Me! Me!

By Dave Boehi

If you went through premarriage counseling, you may recall some of the subjects you discussed with your pastor or counselor—things like communication, personality differences, finances, and resolving conflict. But you probably didn’t hear your counselor say anything like this:


“Barbara, I want you to look at Dennis. Do you realize he’s a wretch? He’s selfish, and he’s potentially an adulterer and liar.”

“Dennis, look Barbara in the eyes. Do you realize who you are about to marry? Another wretch."


These words obviously had an impact on Dennis Rainey, who tells this story about his own premarriage counseling in a recent FamilyLife Today broadcast. And from my experience in marriage I have concluded that an honest discussion of our sinfulness ought to be part of any basic premarriage curriculum.

In recent years I’ve become more aware than ever that I face a never-ending battle against my natural sinfulness and selfishness. As I go through each day, my thoughts are often focused on what I want and what I need. I think about how I look … what I’m about to do … what I wish I was doing … what I will do after work … what I want to say and eat and watch and read. Life is all about Me! Me! Me!


And that makes marriage a challenge, because I married a woman who, for some strange reason, doesn’t always agree with what I want. She has Me! issues of her own. We all do.

Some may think these words are a bit harsh. What good does it do to dwell on the fact that we are sinners?

I would agree—if that’s where I stopped. But there are a number of practical benefits to acknowledging that we are sinners. For one thing, only when we acknowledge our sin will we truly understand grace.

In his book, When Sinners Say ‘I Do,’ Dave Harvey writes:


To say “I am a sinner” is to stare boldly at a fundamental reality that many people don’t even want to glance at. But when we acknowledge that painful reality in our lives, several great things become clear. We find ourselves in good company—the heroes of our faith, from Old Testament times to the present, who experienced the battle with sin on the front lines. We also acknowledge what everybody around us already knows—particularly our spouses. But, by far the greatest benefit of acknowledging our sinfulness is that it makes Christ and his work precious to us. Like Jesus said, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance (Luke 5:31-32).” Only sinners need a savior.

Acknowledging my sin helps me view myself honestly and without pretense. I know what I am and what I am capable of doing. And that makes Christ’s work on the cross all the sweeter.

And then consider that the relationship of a man and woman in marriage is a picture of Christ and His church. When we demonstrate to our spouses the same grace that Christ demonstrated to us, we experience true oneness in marriage.

My wife loves me, forgives me, and remains committed to me in spite of all the times I’ve hurt her and failed her. And vice versa. As 1 John 4:19 tells us, “We love, because He first loved us.”
Marriage works when a husband and wife remember that they are two sinners living together in a state of grace. It stops working when either of them forgets.

© Copyright 2008 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

Splitting Headache

"'For I hate divorce,' says the LORD, the God of Israel." Malachi 2:16, NIV

This poem was written by Jen Abbas, then an 18-year-old child of divorce. I've arranged it a little differently on this page than it appears in her book, Generation EX, to make it fit. Its message is too important to allow form to quiet its voice. Listen to "The Eruption."

Divorce is like a trembling earthquake,
The world shakes, rumbling with rage,
And all the anger, guilt, and frustrations
That have been festering for so long below the surface
Suddenly spew upward in an inferno of hate or apathy.
At times the earth calms and you think the turmoil is over,
Settled, stable, but then the cycle begins again,
Repeating, repeating, repeating.
You are weary, you want to rest,
And that is when you realize the shaking has stopped,
But there is an eerie feeling lurking in the air.
You are hesitant to believe anything anymore,
You are so tired after struggling for so long,
And so you rest on the one solid patch of land,
Only to watch it split in two,
Two separate, distinct parts that will never come together again.
Each new patch supports part of you,
And as you watch, they pull away.

This is the type of poem that breaks my heart because it represents so many children who are torn apart by divorce. No matter what you are experiencing in your marriage, and no matter how tough it is, just remember the impact that staying together will have on your children.

Discuss: Promise each other that this will never be the heart's cry of your children. Talk about who you should consider sending this poem to right now.

Pray: Pray for the children of divorce today, who are struggling to be loved and to belong. Pray for a friend who is moving toward a split.

Can You Forgive?

Hello everyone! I know that today is the sixth anniversary of 9/11. I cannot believe that it was six years ago that this tragedy occurred. I wish I had something profound to share, but I simply do not. Instead, I am going to post an article that was in my inbox. I hope this helps you grow in your relationships with Jesus and others.

Up-Close Forgiveness

By Dennis Rainey

If you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

I am often reminded of what C. S. Lewis said: “Everyone thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea until he has something to forgive.” How true. It’s not until forgiveness becomes personal and costly that it takes on its actual size and weight.

But perhaps some of what troubles us about forgiveness is that we don’t understand what it is and what it isn’t.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean:

• Excusing what someone did to you
• Forgetting what happened
• Denying, or stuffing, your feelings
• Reconciling instantly every time
  

It does mean:

• Embracing the offender—Christ modeled forgiveness at its best when He forgave and welcomed back those who hurt Him the most.
• Being proactive—When Jesus said from the cross, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34), He was forgiving people before they even asked for it.
• Surrendering the right to get even—The essence of forgiveness, especially in marriage, is letting go of our rights to punish and see justice done. Forgiveness is evident when one spouse ceases to demand restitution for hurt feelings and wounded pride.

The other night when Barbara and I were praying together, I turned to Barbara and said, “Sweetheart, before we pray, there’s something I need to ask forgiveness for.” Then after some dialogue, the words “I forgive you” were spoken by Barbara. That’s when you know your marriage is what it was meant to be—a relationship in which forgiveness can flow at the slightest offense. Forgiveness is one of the most important qualities you must practice if your marriage is to become great.

Discuss: Talk about the definition of forgiveness . . . surrendering the right to get even. Is there anything you need to ask forgiveness for?

Pray: Pray that God will show you both how to be aggressive in pursuing forgiveness and appropriately quick in granting forgiveness.

This week’s Marriage Memo is from Dennis and Barbara Rainey’s new book, Moments With You. A sequel to their best-selling Moments Together for Couples, this new book offers 365 new daily devotions. To order this brand-new resource, click here.

Definition of True Love

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers." 1 John 3:16